There is no blame for this. I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I didn't know what I thought or what I wanted, if I was to blame, whether I should be punished or what I could do that mattered any more. Tonight my roommate pried it all out of me. It was really by accident, but I can't tell you how much different I feel right now. I got home at 11 pm and immediately started painting. The desire was there. It was that old charge. I don't know if I will feel the same tomorrow. I think it is a definite possibility. It is a strange thing to admit to someone that something hurt you more than any physical pain, ever. It sucked and I don't want anyone to think otherwise. I didn't deal with it well and it got in the way, but just saying those things and feeling the enormity of those emotions weighing on me again, crying like I haven't cried since my first grandfather died. It all needed to happen and now I feel lighter.
I'm listening to King of Fools and my heart feels the flutter that it used to feel in 2007. I feel ready for tomorrow. I feel excited to be a teacher. My life is good. It is time to stop punishing myself and time to get going. As Andy said in The Shawshank Redemption, "You gotta get busy living, or get busy dying." I for one want to live and this is how I do it.
Thanks for sticking with me the whole time. Wish me luck that tomorrow morning I am still feeling this alive.